Things Happen for a Reason
One evening I was taking the little two on a walk. Monster was riding his tri-cycle and Doodlebug was in her stroller. We crossed the alley behind our house and when we turned in front of the house behind our house (separated by the alley) there was water everywhere. While we were attempting to maneuver the minor flood, the home owner came up and stated "feel free to cut across the yard. We are a calling this lake Armstong." The city water main had broken in front of their house.
The homeowner introduced himself and we remarked about the fact that they had lived there for four years and we had never met. He did the proper ohhing & ahhing over Doodlebug and Monster and stated he and his wife had four boys. (I would guess he is in his late 50s early 60s.) He then tells me that he and his wife are going through a very hard time. Seven weeks ago they lost one of their boys. He says he is still in denial and minor shock but his wife is having the worst time.
I find it incredibly odd that this set of circumstances just happened to be. We talked for as long as the Monster could be patient, then I asked if he thought it would be okay if I stopped by to visit with his wife. He claimed "It couldn't hurt."
As most cannot, I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. The closest I have been to that pain is 2 years ago standing by our college friends while they buried their two year old son who had downed in their pool. While that was the hardest thing I have ever done in life, it was also the most inspirational. P&B have an amazingly strong faith that has carried them through the last 2 1/2 years. Even when P called the Old Man to tell him what had happened, he stated that his son had had a greater purpose in life that we may never know. If it hadn't been the pool, it would have been a car in the road. P&B's faith even touched the emergency workers who responded to the scene and despite proper protocol, many of them stopped by to check on them after the incident.
So, I have to believe there is a great purpose to my walk with Monster and Doodlebug. I feel called to go visit these people. I was thinking about having the Boss make a card (she is, among so many things, an amazing artist) and baking some cookies. The Boss and I could just stop by and see what happens. What do you think?
The homeowner introduced himself and we remarked about the fact that they had lived there for four years and we had never met. He did the proper ohhing & ahhing over Doodlebug and Monster and stated he and his wife had four boys. (I would guess he is in his late 50s early 60s.) He then tells me that he and his wife are going through a very hard time. Seven weeks ago they lost one of their boys. He says he is still in denial and minor shock but his wife is having the worst time.
I find it incredibly odd that this set of circumstances just happened to be. We talked for as long as the Monster could be patient, then I asked if he thought it would be okay if I stopped by to visit with his wife. He claimed "It couldn't hurt."
As most cannot, I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. The closest I have been to that pain is 2 years ago standing by our college friends while they buried their two year old son who had downed in their pool. While that was the hardest thing I have ever done in life, it was also the most inspirational. P&B have an amazingly strong faith that has carried them through the last 2 1/2 years. Even when P called the Old Man to tell him what had happened, he stated that his son had had a greater purpose in life that we may never know. If it hadn't been the pool, it would have been a car in the road. P&B's faith even touched the emergency workers who responded to the scene and despite proper protocol, many of them stopped by to check on them after the incident.
So, I have to believe there is a great purpose to my walk with Monster and Doodlebug. I feel called to go visit these people. I was thinking about having the Boss make a card (she is, among so many things, an amazing artist) and baking some cookies. The Boss and I could just stop by and see what happens. What do you think?
posted by The Old Lady at 3:51 AM
4 Comments:
I agree with Tammy. I don't necessarily believe that everything is "predestined," but I do think everything that occurs has purpose, for myself or another person, and how I choose to respond is my crossroads decision.
It is hard for most of us to know how to deal with others in their grief. Rule of thumb: JUST DO SOMETHING. It can be just saying, "I'm sorry," and letting the other take the lead. It could be taking someone to lunch (getting them out of the house and into life again). It might mean inviting them to spend an evening or weekend afternoon with your family. It might mean dropping by or calling once or twice a week. I'd say do whatever feels comfortable for you. And you've identified that. After a card and cookies, play it by ear.
My personal experiences with grief have taught me a few things:
(1) With a few exceptions, we do not want to forget, so when others talk about the person I've lost, it is actually healing. When people asked me about my mom and dad, I often cried, but that didn't mean I didn't want to talk about their story; conversely, it made me focus on the beauty and happiness of their 60 years together.
(2) We shouldn't make assumptions. When I miscarried, people, even doctors, said things like, "You're young. You'll have more babies." Nothing/no one replaces someone lost in death. I still grieve the babies I never held. No one ever asked me (or my husband) how I felt, and I was young and inexperienced and did not speak up for my needs. Ask someone what you can do, what they need. They may not know, but you can open that door for them. If someone had just listened to my pain, offered no advice, and held my hand or hugged me while I cried, it would have helped so much. (My mom did, but she was the only one. Everyone else more or less ignored it, as if it would go away.)
(3) Life is different after a death of someone we love, and the adjustment takes a while to learn how it fits. This is especially difficult when there is conflict with the one who died. My husband and I were at a very difficult place in our marriage when he was give just months to live. I’ve had to deal with the anger and unhappiness I felt mixed with the loss, and it is not easy. I’m still angry about many things, then I feel guilty for feeling that about a dead man. I’ve heard the same from people who lost a teenager who was rebelling and caused hard feelings, with others who were estranged from someone (family issues, drugs or alcohol, etc.) at the time of death.
Your neighbor said he is “still in denial and minor shock but his wife is having the worst time.” He may not be able to allow himself to grieve because he feels a need to be strong for his wife. As much as possible, just be willing to listen to both of these people and hear what they say. I wonder, too, about the other “boys.” There are organizations in most towns to address grief in groups, so if you know about these, take the information. I’m sometimes surprised at how little people know about resources that are available. Sometimes they’ve not been told; sometimes they were told when they couldn’t listen, immediately following the death while shock is still strong.
I hope this helps. I could probably go on and on, but it is veryh long already. Every circumstance is different, and you’ll need to just feel it out. I don’t know your situation, but this might be an opportunity for a new life connection, substitute grandparents for the Boss, Monster and Doodlebug, just family friends, or it might turn into absolutely nothing. But you’re there for a reason. Don’t worry about understanding the purpose. Just take time and soak up the life experience. Good luck, and blessings to you for being there.
Lynilu-
THANKS! I knew you would have a lot to add! The Boss, Monster & Doodlebug's grandparents all live out of state so it might be nice for them to get to know their neighbors.
I'll keep you posted! Thanks again for sharing your prospective!
Do what God tells you in your heart I'll pray for guidence for you and peace for them.
Would you let me know what you find out and how things go? You can email me if it would be appropriate. Thanks.
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